For those of you who read the The Union of Motherhood, Draft One, I thought it would only be fair to let my children make any amendments as they saw fit. Moozles is six years old and her little brother Dubz is just two. Dubz, has been a bit slow to adopt the English language and prefers grunting like his cavemen ancestors. My daughter is in year one, and can read and write quite well, so she has offered to look over the constitution. So, over to Moozles.
Second Draft of the Constitution of the Union of Motherhood.
1. While Motherhood is a full-time job (whether you work in paid employment for any of the time), every Mother will have at least one three hours during the hours of 11pm-6am to sleep. Stop being such a lazy bones!
2. Every Mother will have two private weepee/poo breaks each day. This is fine, just do it when we’re asleep. Stop being such a drama queen. Also, Mum you have lived in this country for 13 years. People say wee not pee. You are so embarrassing!
3. Once a week, all Mothers get to finish our breakfast and not share it with anyone. You’re always telling me to share. Who’s the greedy guts now?!
4. Each day, between the hours of 7am-7pm, will contain 10 continuous secondsminutes of peace. This means no fighting, shrieking, crying, rough-housing or pulling on Mummy’s clothing/legs/hair. There can be quiet talking at this time. If you wanted quiet, you shouldn’t have had kids.
5. If the child can speak, then they are required once a week to proclaim their love and devotion to their Mother. If the child utters the words, ‘you are the best/smartest/kindest/prettiest Mother in the world’ then they are entitled to encroach on one of your private weepee breaks. Easy. You’re always saying how sweet I am.
6. If the child is between the ages of 8-18, they must bring their Mother tea in bed once a week. If they do not, the Mother is entitled to an additional daily private weepee/poo break. I’m only six, but I would love to bring you tea. Please, please, please! I wouldn’t drop it all over the floor, I promise.
7. Once a week the child must profusely praise their Mother’s cooking. Again, easy! You ARE the best cook in the world. No one makes sausages and pasta pesto like you Mummy.
8. Every time the child says ‘I hate you’ or ‘I wish you weren’t my Mother’, the Mother is entitled to an extra two private weepee breaks. I can’t help it when I say those things. I get mad and I’m only little. Why do you have to tell people on your blog about me?
9. Whenever the Mother is ill, she will be entitled to 12 hours of sickness care. Considering that Mothers spend thousands of Pounds/Dollars/Euro on baby equipment and clothing, all major baby shops should employ Sickness Representatives who go into homes and take care of children whilst the Mothers rest. No way. I only want you. Daddy is a good back-up and sometimes Granny and Grandpa. But that’s it.
10. Every Mother’s Day/Mothering Sunday, children will make sure that their Mothers are adequately acknowledged. The acknowledgments will include, but are not limited to, cards, breakfast in bed and a foot massage. I’ll make you a beautiful card with A LOT of glitter and glue. I’ll remind Daddy that you like waffles and foot rubs.
In return for adhering to these guidelines, Mothers agree to give their children unconditional love and devotion. Children who are in violation of the Union rules, will be subject to Striking. Mothers can strike up to two days per calendar year. At this time, no meals will be cooked, no laundry cleaned and put away, no bedtime songs sung and no books read. Ouchies will continue to be kissed better during medical emergencies. I don’t know what a strike is. Like in bowling? I love bowling. Can we go bowling this weekend?
This contract can be amended to include Fathers. Good point. And probably for all mummies, even ones who have real jobs and wear new shoes (isn’t that what you always go on about, never getting to buy shoes?) Can I go watch ‘Frozen’ now? I haven’t seen it since the weekend.